(Don’t) Hold me back (anymore)
I was so mad.
I was so mad because I had realized how good I’d gotten at finding ways to hold myself back.
As I finally started to figure this out, I began to see more ways that I was doing this to myself.
WTAF?!
My holding back has held me back in so many ways. Even having that realization totally sucked.
I had to force myself to look at the ways I’ve let myself stay small, under-expressed, and shrunken into a tiny corner of my head. Overthinking things, not doing things I want to be doing, not saying things I want to talk about.
It’s not fun to look at these the ways I seem to have almost betrayed myself, but ignoring them longer is way worse.
So. Why had I been holding myself back? In what ways?
It’s a complicated question, and the answer is long.
Just asking is a small step in the right direction.
I gotta start small. Small is mighty.
Besides, it doesn’t really matter how long this has been going on, or all the sneaky brilliant ways I held myself back. The past is the past, and I am here, now.
The present moment is what matters most. And in this present moment, I’m making a choice to DO something different and to change a behavior that’s gotten awfully comfortable, until recently. Think about that…awfully comfortable. I was letting myself experience more discomfort than comfort because I was holding back.
I say f@#% that $hit.
It’s uncomfortable for me to write about this experience of self-reflection. But it’s a way to break the cycle.
I’ve gotten better at being uncomfortable because I’ve been doing a lot of this kind of work. So I’m writing this for myself, and posting it here for anyone to read, with hope and a prayer that I’m not the only one who’s been secretly mad at themselves for holding themselves back (in whatever ways they have been).
My hope is that this can act as a permission slip for someone reading this to do something (like this) for themselves, in whatever way or area of their life that calls them to act.
There is something inside all of us that’s waiting to be expressed and seen by others.
It’s been exhausting spending time overthinking ‘WHY’ have or haven’t I’?
The better question to ask is: are you ready to be done doing it that way? And if so, what are you going to DO about this NOW? You have choices in this matter!
Playing small, and ‘safe’ has been more of a hindrance than an act of self-help. A way to find and make room to grow is to take up space.
Take is an active word, the longer you wait, the longer it takes.
It’s not selfish to take up space, to ask for and go out and GET what you want and need, or start looking for it if you're not sure what it is.
Don’t wait because you’ll be sittin’ around for an awful long time. Awful, and not in a ‘full of awe’ way.
Just before I hit 'post' on this, that 'part of me' wanted to step in and hold me back but this time I said 'nope!' we're doin' this.
So, let 'er rip.
If this resonates with you in some way I'm here for it.
I’d love to hear your take on your own experience with this kind of thing!
With love,
Whitney
